Tuesday, November 9, 2010


previous post: Quick Wins



  1. Keona has diarrhea. I know because we are on the same cycle, and I have it as well.

  2. @vincent
    I didn’t write any big, clever sentences. I just put a capital letter at the beginning of the sentence and a full stop at the end. If you think that is particularly clever it explains a lot.

  3. vaginalroundhouse

    Couple things I’ve done to a neighbor’s dog to get it to shut up.

    1) Smear peanut butter on the fence or nearby area at night where the dog usually walks. Skunks love peanut butter and will smell it and find it. Dog comes up to skunk and bark at it, skunk sprays it, dog shuts up.

    2) Put hot pepper seeds in some food and gave it to the dog, all that dog would ever do is just open his mouth with it’s tongue sticking out licking the side of it’s face.

    I love boobs.

  4. vaginalroundhouse needs to stop commenting until it can learn the difference between “its” and “it’s”.

  5. Keona – it’s very hard to train out hundreds of years of breeding. Dogs bark naturally, they bark for hunting, they bark for herding, they bark for guarding. It used to be a desirable trait in a dog, when they were used for work. Now they’re family pets, but they still have this genetic need to “work”, therefore they bark.

    Ever hear a beagle when it sees a cat/rabbit/fucking leaf blow by? They don’t SHUT THE FUCK UP.

    The only way is a hot dog stuffed with tramadol. Peace out, barking fucker.

  6. It is NOT difficult to train your dog to shut the hell up, and if you can’t do it, you shouldn’t be a dog owner, because you’re too damn lazy. Watch The Dog Whisperer, for christ’s sake, he can train a dog to stop barking in a 5 minute session.

  7. Well yeah, because when the camera’s pointed the other way, he feeds the dog a hot dog laced with tramadol.

  8. Sure, you can train a dog to shut the hell up, if it’s within arm’s reach and you’re holding a hammer.

    But you let the fucker outside when you’re not next to it? It will do what it’s bred to do. Bark. If you’re not there to correct the bad behavior, why would it go against nature?

    Dogs bark. The end.

  9. Honestly, the best way to get a dog to stop barking is an ultrasonic transmitter. All it takes is putting it up in a tree and checking the batteries every few months and there’s no way to end up getting yourself in trouble with it because it doesn’t actually do damage to the dog, just annoys it.

    I’ve taken mine with me everywhere I’ve gone and never had neighbourhood dogs bark past night two or three after I’ve set it up. Thing works like a charm, is legal, and doesn’t require me to get myself out of bed in the middle of the night to do something physical.

    I have two dogs and, on the rare occasion that they bark when they’re outside (which is normally because one of the neighbour’s dogs is trying to attack them through the fence), they only get one or maybe two barks out before they’re inside. While it’s not possible to train a dog 100% not to bark, it is definitely possible to train your dogs to only bark in extreme circumstances and to not just leave them to bark. A dog that is barking constantly for more than a minute or two is poorly trained, under exercised and not being cared for by its owner. I have hounds myself, which are considered to be among the worst barkers and yet they rarely bark and never for longer than the time it takes me to get to the back door and bring them in. Simple as that. Being responsible and on top of things negates 99% of the annoyance of a dog’s natural barking instincts. Which, by the way, do NOT explain the dogs that yap their heads off for minutes or even hours at a time: the instinct is to bark only long enough to communicate, not to sit there and be a huge barking target for predators/warning for prey.

  10. @59 I love you. Ditto everything you’ve said. My neighbors dogs bark like mad. They’re confined to a 10×10 porch area almost 24 hours a day, one is a lab mix that is never (NEVER!) exercised. They see how well behaved my dog is and asked me to help them train their dogs, I told them step one is to exercise the dogs – there is a vast, vast, vast difference in behaviour between a bored, unexercised dog and a tired dog. It only takes one day to see the difference. And it’s free. Takes 30-60 minutes of your time. But people would rather pay money than exercise or take time out of the day to exercise their dog.

    Anyway, that said, those ultrasonic things are a good 2nd step when the dogs aren’t yours and there is nothing you can do. HOWEVER – Those things on TV though are a bunch of junk – the “dog remote”, “As Seen On TV” things? You can’t just point those at a dog that is about to attack you and have it run away. Those things are a lawsuit in the making. Go to Home Depot, down the pet aisle next to the electric collars, find the device that looks like a little tiny bird house decoration, buy that, hang it outside within the recommended location to the overly-barking dogs.

  11. Watersinger – props.

    I have two dogs that I also call in as soon as the start to bark. They quickly learn that outside time is over if they act afool. I don’t want them to bark not only because it’s annoying as fuck to me, and my neighbors. But, I know that there are fucking morons like Eva who would poison an animal to get it to shut up.

    By the way, a double human sized dose of tramadol would probably do more than just sedate a medium sized dog.

    idiot. I hope Eva’s karma is swift.

  12. vaginalroundhouse

    Pedantrix needs to stop being a grammar Nazi and learn to use capitalization when starting a sentence.

  13. I wish I had neighbors who threw drugs over my fence.

    vincent can do lowbrow humor, too. I really like that guy.

    Imamofo, your debauchery knows no limits. Love it.

    vaginalroundhouse #62, your name begins with a lower case letter. Pedantrix is correct.

  14. vaginalroundhouse

    Correction, always start a sentence with a capital letter regardless if the name is in lowercase. Show me some respect and capitalize my name.

  15. No.

  16. vaginalroundhouse


  17. I think you want a hyphen after “Correction” and not a comma.
    See, we can all do this grammar elitist shit.

  18. Yeah, Eva’s a childish bosh. Surprised she didn’t just suck off the dog. That’d make me stop barking.

    Good advice, Mr. Water. I kinda want to get one of those ultrasonic transmitters. Is taking one to a zoo like bringing a laser pen to a drive in?

  19. I have two yappy dogs & also bring them in once they start their evening barking binges. I love them dearly, but I almost soiled myself after Eva’s post. Funniest thing I’ve read all day.

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