Thursday, December 3, 2009

Twilight Saga: New Goon


previous post: I’m Lynchin’ It



  1. Sexy.

  2. These girls are really only 12.

  3. What has our society come to that girls now get wet to undead predators who spank it to you sleeping?

  4. The most disturbing thing about this post is that not a single person in it knows the difference between your and you’re.

  5. Kleenex and Lotion? Just use a dirty sock.

  6. lol

  7. claire doesn’t know she’s being made fun of. haha.

  8. @SensibleMadness- Seriously! That’s the first thing I noticed. Perhaps Claire was so startled by Jordan and Lowell’s hideous grammar that she failed to notice she was being ridiculed!

    Well… no I shouldn’t give a Twilight fan that much credit. She’s probably just retarded.

  9. I’m assuming this is referring to some scene in the film? If so, these guys making fun of her must have watched it, which makes them worse.

  10. @Gruss: Brilliant! I’m not the only one then… Anyway, why even bother with the dirty sock in that situation.

  11. @Stickfigure

    This is something that is commonly mocked in these books. This Edward character is possessive, obsessive and controlling and all the girls mess their panties because of it. It’s like feminism never happened.

  12. The final book in the series also ends with Bella getting pregnant with Edward’s vampire baby and marrying him at the age of 18. What fucking century are we living in?!

  13. Im a dyke and that movie even made me cream my jeans…it’s got to be some sort of brain washing.

  14. Claire’s spelling and grammar is way above average by tweens-on-facebook standards.

    She will therefore be safe with me. Very safe. Move over, Jordan.

  15. The Scarlet Pimple

    hahahaha, awesome

  16. @mittens
    And what happens next?
    Edward has to BITE A HOLE for the baby to come out.
    Then Bella’s werewolf wannabe BF gets fixated on the baby, and decides to remain the age he is till she’s old enough to have a proper relationship with.
    Swear to god, you couldn’t make this shit up. Well, Stephenie Meyer’s fevered mormon brain obviously could, but you know what I mean.

    Incidentally, anyone here complaining about spoilers, or attempting to defend Twilight as ‘literature’? Automatic. Epic. Fail.

  17. @stickfigure
    or read it. it was a book first, don’t forget.

    and yes, Edward watches her sleep, but it’s actually in the first one. I’m guessing they were dragged to see it. that or they’re gay, which seems unlikely given the comments.

  18. @thesaurapist

    Aw yeah I forgot about the Jacob/baby thing! Just dreadful. My absolute favorite part of this whole travesty of a story is that Meyer wrote about fountains of blood spewing from Bella as she’s giving birth, but chose not to include even one proper sex scene between the two leads. Don’t have sex, kids! You’ll get pregnant with a vicious alien creature that will try to murder you as you force it from your body!

    Every time I hear someone compare this series to Harry Potter or Jane Austen or fucking ROMEO AND JULIET a little part of me dies. So yes, anyone who plans to defend Meyer or her writing will be automatically dismissed. You couldn’t possibly convince me that this “author” has even an ounce of talent.

    /end rant. Sorry, I work at a bookstore and I have to listen to people raving over this shit all. the. time. *vomit*

  19. I didn’t even enjoy this post. Probably because I’m just fed up with hearing about New Moon.

  20. @ Mercure: True true, I’d just wipe it on the pillow in that situation

  21. @gruss : why … her face is right there 😮

  22. I think the age of Claire is of vital importance here. If she’s a thirty/forty something married woman who is obsessed with dead teenagers, then Jordan and Lowell should spit-roast her.

  23. @ mittens.

    What’s even more disturbing – the other day I saw a book on display laughably entitled: “Twilight & Philosophy: Vampires, Vegetarians and the Pursuit of Immortality”. Perhaps you’ve seen it?

    Aside from the ridiculous premise that being a vampire is as legitimate as being a vegetarian (or both!), it promises to “…draw(ing) on the wisdom of philosophical heavyweights to answer essential questions such as: What do the struggles of “vegetarian” vampires who control their biological urge for human blood say about free will?”. What indeed.

    They couldn’t have done a graver injustice to philosophy if they’d called it Twilight of the Idols, dug up Neitzsche’s corpse and had sex with it. Or not. They could just stare at it every night to make sure it was safe.

  24. I have absolutely no idea what the hell this means. And I’m pretty sure that’s a good thing.

  25. Lmao, I would call that more of a win then anything.

  26. I bet these guys are around 20 because tweens are not that witty and an older woman would probably be disgusted.

  27. @Man of Steel

    Older women would be disgusted? Maybe crazy repressed older women, most older women I know would think it’s hilarious.

  28. #24
    Why stop there?
    Schrodinger’s VAMPIRE, in a sealed box, with a flask of blood and a geiger counter. After a period of time, the vampire is both having lunch and not having lunch simultaneously.

  29. @Storblington-

    Oh yes, I’ve seen that one! I can’t imagine ANYONE in their right mind reading Twilight and seeing anything even remotely philosophical in it, unless they were high as a fucking kite. Whoever wrote that gem of a book probably was.

    My other favorite Twilight-inspired book is one called “Defining Twilight.” It’s a vocabulary workbook/study guide for the SAT and other standardized tests that uses only words from Twilight. I mean, Stephenie Meyer clearly possesses a truly exceptional vocabulary with those 4 adjectives she uses over and over and over again. Oh the irony….

  30. #29

    There’s always Meyer’s Uncertainty Principle: it is impossible to determine simultaneously both the storyline and character development of the first Twilight novel, or any other Twilight novel, with any great degree of accuracy or certainty.

    ie you can read about a particular character, and not figure out how the storyline is advanced by their introduction – or you can follow the storyline, but wonder what the fuck the character you’re reading about has anything to do with it.

  31. Yawns at “intelligent” long winded comments

  32. We can only hope that no more Twilight movies are made. Unfortunately i think we may be hearing about another Twilight fad in the not to distant future. “Ladies and Gentlemen. Ready your spew buckets for it is time to be chunderstruck”!

  33. @Insane- The next movie is already set to come out in June, unfortunately. At least they’re cranking them out as quickly as possible so it’ll all be over soon.

  34. @mittens

    I’ve worked in bookstores too – the urge to facepalm, slap the customer or wet myself laughing was often overpowering. Fortunately this was many years before Twilight, or I’d doubtless have been sacked, arrested, or both.

    I’m actually quite curious to see what Hollywood will make of that grotesque David-Cronenberg-on-acid birth sequence from the final book.

    Shame they’ll NEVER make the two sequels to ‘The Golden Compass’. Ending the 2nd book with the horrifying deaths of half the main characters – not to mention killing God himself in the third – just *not* good box office . . .

  35. Thesaurapist 13F, try a one line comment..

  36. Martha, just go for the TLDR. It’ll make you look smarter, I promise.

    That aside, holy fuck that’s really how Twilight ends? Jesus fucking Christ.

  37. @mittens: Thank you for the heads up. I am going to go and rock in the corner while crying. Hoping and praying that after June there shall hopefully be no more gay tween movies such as twilight.

  38. How many tweens can there possibly be? I blame middle aged women for keeping this shit alive.

  39. @39: haha for sure. Bitchslap your tween and tell them to watch something that is not pure garbage! Or if they are that desperate to watch some homo-erotica take them to an adult store. Sheez!

  40. Insane has a point.

    There are actually a lot more damaging notions in those Twilight books than just straight over-the-counter fucking.

    Give me porn over messed up fanatical nonsense.

  41. Anitalaff you have said three little words that have captured the very essence of my being. ‘Give me porn’.

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