Thursday, October 29, 2009

Caring Chris


previous post: Keep Your Status in Your Pants



  1. If that’s his actual about me this is tragic.

    “I’m an amazing lover, kisser, everything you want in a relationship”
    “Girls break up with me after a month because I’m shit”

    I hope he gets genital warts and they scar, because he sounds like a moron

  2. what’s more romantic than a serial killer showing up at your work/school on random days bearing gifts? or cuddling in front of a movie while his tentacles are slowly moving up your shirt? this guy sounds like a keeper to me.

    Also, not suspicious at all that his previous gfs have mysteriously disappeared after about a month or so.

  3. Patrick, I thought Paul Allen was handling the Chris account

    like carving your name into my balls while i piss on your corpse.

  5. A moment of sheer panic; his POF profile was in all caps, and obviously more compelling than mine.

  6. Chris: “I like to dissect girls. Have I told you that I’m utterly insane?”

  7. The only time I ever tried internet dating I saw three penis’s (or is that penii?) within ten minutes and not a single face. What does that say about me? Should I put some clothes on next time I use my webcam?

  8. k though hes not a rapist or serial killer, he is creepy as fuck

  9. Thesaurapist 13(F)

    (Specifically, Mr Dirtnap and Mr Bagintheriver)

  10. I never laughed so hard at internetjokes. First the utter
    Hannibal/Clarice brilliance, then Bateman references. Genius.

    I must say do, that this guys seems more of the stalker type than the former two. I can see him carving her initials in his chest. Seems a bit like the guy who internet-stalked me for a while.

    Well, giddy, I have to go and return some videotapes.

  11. Who wouldn’t want a sweet/caring/loving sociopath?

  12. His profile pick should be him chasing a chick completely naked and screaming while holding a chainsaw

  13. Chris is pretty damn cu-ree-py *shudders*

  14. @Oliebear:
    Oh. My. God.
    I just read his about me. Is that for real?!
    While Chris is a creep, Samantha’s friend is pretty damn stupid for talking to him really!

  15. #32 is just genious.

    although i have to say the comments on this post are just top notch.

  16. MeghanSuperstarO'Malley

    Well, um yeah POF dating, regrettable. I found a high school English teacher that was on POF and he tried to sneak move into my house after 2 week. After 2 months he was talking marriage so I had to brake-up with him. I’ve been getting texts and fb harassment galore. I have to respect that this little creeper had the decency to put all his icky out there right off the bat. I wish the English teacher had provided me that self-screening service.

  17. I bet all his ex-girlfriends are now lampshades

  18. “I love the feeling of skin on skin… your skin, lying on top of mine as I wear it as a leotard, freshly peeled off your body… So romantic, I almost feel as if I am INSIDE of you…”

  19. @68 jelly
    *snorts with laughter*

  20. By the fuck, this thread is awesome! What a way to start the day. (Sorry, I’m not even going to try to add to the hilarity, just woke up. But thanks everyone.):)

  21. dang. hahaha like, this guy is a walking epic fail.

  22. Can anyone imagine actually waking up to a voicemail of the sort that Chris says he left for this girl?

    “Hey, ____. I got your message on MSN last night about the whole skin-on-skin thing, and…well…I just want to let you know that if you would prefer, I would be okay with wearing a condom. Y’know, even though I have never gotten a girl pregnant. Ever. I mean…I do know when to pull out, and I have been known to have unprotected sex twice a day. But I care about you, ____, and I would gladly sheath my penis if that’s what you wanted. You could even have some of my ice cream. I’m sweet, caring, and loving like that.

    “So…um…is your back door unlocked? Oh hey, I guess it is. Well, I’ll hopefully be seeing you soon! If not, though — wait, hold on. Since when do you have a dog? Jeez, this thing is annoying, huh? *POW* Okay, umm…where was I?

    “Hmm…I guess it doesn’t look like you’re here. Umm… Wow, it looks so much different when you’re actually standing in here than it does from outside your window! Weird. Anyway, I just wanted to call you back about your message, and hopefully you’ll be up for a shower or something a little later on. See ya!”


  23. @danny: dude, you nailed it right there.

    i really don’t get it with some dudes and creeping out girls. it’s pretty easy not to creep out girls.

    step 1) think of some creep you know

    step 2) do not emulate them.

    taaa daaaaa!

  24. oh man, i know the person who submitted this and we have actually spent hours laughing at this guy’s page. this is only one of the several gems he posts regularly. he creeps me out like crazy.

    i have a feeling he’s about to get big on the intrawebs.

  25. @nuts
    I think you’d be surprised how many men haven’t be privvy to that absolute gem. Maybe they should make it mandatory teaching in schools world over.

  26. @ nuts

    step 3) repeat as necessary

    step 4) profit!

  27. I gotta say, between @Boz’s comments and this post – this Lamebook post made my night.

  28. Favorite.

  29. Okay, I admit I have a POF account (I met my boyfriend there) and there are some decent guys but plenty of weirdos. One man offered to pay me money if I had sex with him involving swiss cheese (?) and another asked me for a polygamist relationship and I would recieve money for my services.. maybe I look like a prostitute? Im not sure.

  30. The creepiest guy I’ve ever had the misfortune of knowing is on POF. He likes to think of himself as humorous, intelligent, and enlightened, but in reality he’s controlling, obsessive, got borderline personality disorder, and is in fact borderline psychotic. I would NOT be surprised if 4 out of the 5 guys there are as maladjusted as he and Chris are, and it sounds like you landed the 5th guy (who’d be sane and decent), Danielle.

  31. ok…not only did this girl give her msn to this guy, she gave him her cellphone number too??? Why? She read his profile, knew what a creep he was and still gave out a bunch of information…

  32. @ 80

    Actually, that sounds more like Narcissistic Personality Disorder than Borderline Personality Disorder to me. And I’d go into more detail but I’m pretty sure I’ll bore you…basically, Borderlines will eventually grow out of it AND they view people as PEOPLE, as opposed to Narcissists that NEVER grow out of it and view people as tools.

    Or lampshades.

  33. @ Firkules

    Man, I was really hoping you were going to finish that thought with a, “she was practically ASKING to be raped or murdered!”

  34. hilarious

  35. Man i love guys like that , makes the rest of us look like perfect gentlemen 🙂

    Way to go chris, keep up the good work

  36. @Father sha
    Don’t try to act as a gentleman …

  37. Please – someone has to put his name here so that we can all look at this bloke’s profile!

    Come on, you owe it to the world!

  38. This dude is seriously effed

  39. Agree @ ernie.

  40. I totally died at Ms. Terry and the Nine-waah-waah.


    Bet that’s him. If it is, I’ve got a LOT of stories for you.

    No shit buddy boy! I’m surprised they last a day! But the creepiest part:


    No. Just no. That’s not romantic, it’s bizarre and desperate.

  43. @ Eve

    Evidence?/Go on…

  44. After I posted the first comment, I made a point to check and see if the asshole had a facebook–and he does. It’s private right now–and if that’s him, for obvious reasons. I dated him a couple of years ago, for about six weeks. He’s a drug addict, and has attempted to rape at least three girls, one of them being myself. He had my schedule memorized to the point that he’d know the exact minute I’d be stepping through the front door. I’d literally have one foot in the house and my phone would be going off. He thinks he’s a genius–he’s just a weirdo. Last girl he dated around here was the kid sister of a good friend of mine. They worked together, and she had their boss inform him that if he spoke to her again at work, he’d be fired, and that if he called or sent another text, she’d be filing for a restraining order.

    Before we dated, I’d known him for several years, so you’d figure at that point you’d know someone pretty well, right? Nope. The six weeks we spent together gave me a look inside his mind. I knew as soon as I read the part of the profile that was posted in the comments that it was probably him. I figured I’d let you know he’s just as bad as you predict, if not worse.

  45. @Eve – that’s scary. Is attempted rape a criminal offence in your state? If so, someone should nail him for it. These types of creeps nearly always escalate to something even worse.


  46. That’s so Ted Bundy of him

  47. @ Eve
    The guy that you posted for myspace isn’t caring chris. I used to work with this guy. I had him on facebook.

  48. POF profile? More like POOF…

  49. POF forums are a gold mine of Chris’. FN HILARIOUS

  50. Sounds like something someone I dated would’ve complained about.

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